Most viewed jokes

What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set?
→ A boa constructor!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

- In English - he said.

- A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up:

- Yeah, right.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says:

- Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.

What do you call a dumb bunny?
→ A hare brain.

What do rabbits put in their computers?
→ Hoppy disks!

How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed?
→ You can smell the carrots on his breath.

The police are looking for a thief with one eye.
→ Why don't they use two?

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

- Fred - he replies.

- Fred what? - the officer asks.

- Just Fred - the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

- Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies:

- It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.

The Judge said to the defendant:

- I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.

The criminal said:

- Your Honor,

- that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.

The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.