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God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * (C) God */

/* Revision history: */
0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

/* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper inheritance features. */
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon. */
struct genitals {
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism to display at birth. * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

How do you confuse a blonde?
→ Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How do you confuse her even more?
→ Ask her where she went.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink:

- You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive:

- How do you know this, Sister?

- My Mother Superior told me so.

- But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

- Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself

- Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

- How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

- I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

- Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks - then he lowers his voice and says to the barman:

- and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

- Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said:

- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said:

- Why? Don't ye believe me?!?

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer:

- Were they all dead?

The old farmer replied:

- Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.

A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar one evening and said to the bartender:

- Give everyone a drink except that gay guy over there.

About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order:

- Give everyone a drink except that gay guy over there.

The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender asks why, and the gay guy says:

- I am going to put one in each cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.

He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.

When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says:

- What kinda bird you reckon that was?

The other hunter replies:

- I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.

"How's that?"

"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"

How do you sink a Polish submarine?
→ You knock on the door.

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt, then let it go. "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.

First the teacher asks:

- Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?

Johnny replies:

- Legs.

So the teacher asks:

- Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?

- Pockets - Johnny replies.

Finally the teacher asks:

- And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?

- Rome - is his answer.

With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks:

- Well, shall we pass him?

- Better not ask me - the principal says.

- I got the first two wrong!