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A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$".

She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.

The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.

The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.

When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.

The blonde she looks at her freind and says:

- So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?

And the other blonde replies:

- They didn't serve any last year?

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

- Sixty is the worst age to be - announced the 60 year old.

- You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!

- Ah, that's nothing - said the 60 year old.

- When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !

- Actually - said the eighty year old.

- Eighty is the worst age of all.

- Do you have trouble peeing too? - asked the sixty year old.

- No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all.

- Do you have trouble taking a crap? - asked the 70 year old.

- No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said:

- Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?

To which the eighty year old replied:

- I don't wake up until ten!

- It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

- A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

- Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.

- One-armed piano players must perform for free.

- Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.

- The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

- The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

- Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.

- Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton. I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler. He is the Alfa and the Romeo. He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras. He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged. Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee. If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos. He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta." He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross. But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk. He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals. Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle. Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes - then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:

- She made me a better offer.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says:

- I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).

The young jogger says:

- Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?

The old man says:

- I can't remember where I live.

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
→ The bored room!

What did the metric alien say?
→ Take me to your litre!

- Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

- Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

- Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

- Joseph: The sign said:

- School Ahead, Go Slow!

- Mother: What did you learn in school today

- Son: How to write

- Mother: What did you write?

- Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!