A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...
- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.
- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?
- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:
- Thanks.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:
- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?
- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.
- Oh! - exclaims Doug.
- Good trade!
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
→ The prostitute says:
- Aren't you done yet?
→ The nympho says:
- Are you done already?
→ The blonde says:
- Beige. . . I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said:
- CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES.
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
→ Mugs bunny!
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:
- Humph, not much of a man, was he!
And the waitress replied:
- Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!
Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said:
- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
- Why not?
- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!
There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.
- I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!
The Newfie said:
- I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish.
Poof! The oceans were full of fish.
The Quebecer was amazed! He said:
- I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!
Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy said:
- Tell me more about this wall.
The genie said:
- Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.
So, the Vancouver guy said:
- Fill it up with water!
Did You hear about the Redneck who...
- Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage.
- Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery.
- Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.
- Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.
- Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.
- Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped.
- Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her.
- Thought asphalt was rectal trouble.
- Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
- Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.
- Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.
- Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.
- Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
- Studied for five days to take a urine test.
- Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
- Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.
Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:
Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'?
→ They don't like ANY Witnesses!
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. The easy way is always mined.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're not ready for them. b. When you're ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says:
- I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out - and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all:
- What if it doesn't work out? - they wonder.
- Are we stuck together forever?
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled:
- Yes - he informs the couple.
- You can get married in Heaven.
- Great - says the couple.
- but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
- What's wrong? - exclaims the frightened couple.
- Come on! - St. Peter exclaims.
- It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .
- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today
- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.
- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?
- She: Well, the air bag works...
