Most viewed jokes

How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
→ If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
→ On a piece rate.

Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
→ Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.

One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees.

- What are you doing? - she asked.

- I'm looking for my dollar bill - Max replied.

- I lost it down the road.

- Why don't you look for it there?

- Because the light's better here!

Where do bees keep their money?
→ In a honey box.

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.

The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her:

- No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves.

Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered:

- You can DO that?

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog:

- This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said:

- Good trade, Sir!

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out:

- All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:

- All right, just half of you this time!

- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.

- You do look a little pail.

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.