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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering:

- An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'.

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again:

- It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PBandJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read:

- ...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

- And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said:

- I think he said... 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Excerpts from Readers's Digest.

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile:

- We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read:

- The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked:

- What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

- I'm just wasting my time - she said to her mother.

- I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible. The little girl said:

- When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah

- What if Jonah went to hell? - the teacher asked.

- Then you ask him - the little girl replied.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture:

- Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out:

- And there's the teacher. She's dead.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said:

- Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

- Yes - the class said.

- Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?

A little fellow shouted:

- Because your feet aren't empty.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

- Take only ONE. God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

- Take all You want. God is watching the apples!

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

- Wow, Miss Collins! - one child exclaimed.

- You look really different without your glasses on!

Another child piped up:

- I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!

What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
→ A party line!

When does a horse talk on the phone?
→ Whinny wants to!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
→ They egg them on!

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

- Ann! - the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window.

- If India has the world's second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin, how old am I?

- Thirty two!

- Why did you say that?

- Well, my brother's sixteen and he's half mad!

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."