Most viewed jokes

- Jill: Have you read the Bible?

- Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

- Mommy, can we leave now?

- No - her mother replied.

- Well, I think I have to throw up!

- Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

- Did you throw up?

- Yes.

- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
→ A harenet.

- Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building?

- Officer: I'm making a house arrest

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there.

- He's in THAT one! - cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

- What did you do that for?! - exclaimed the lawyer.

- I said he was in the other bear!

- Exactly - replied the sheriff.

- Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

- FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch?

- PIGLET: Beets me!

- Papa, who was Hamlet?

- You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was.

What's another name for an parent?
→ Someone who's stopped growing except around the waist.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said:

- Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied:

- It's his turn with the teeth.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.