Most viewed jokes

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says:

- Sorry we don't serve snails - and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...:

- What did you do that for!

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said:

- I've found a woman just like mother!

His father replied:

- So what do you want from me, sympathy?

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.

I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen:

- At ten o clock, please report position and depth.

When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....

John.

To Space

When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car

- To Bed or Bust

- She got him today - He'll get her tonight

- Just living together

- It's just to hot to wear clothes today - said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

- Probably that I married you for your money.

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.

Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming:

- My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!

She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.

At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces:

- Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
→ So oxygen can get to their brains.

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

- What should we do? - said Ed.

- Hmmm, let's think. - replied Fred.

Ed shook his head:

- No, let's do something you can do too!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!

Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays

12. Start of Christmas Season Day
13. False Labor Day
14. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
15. Hallmark Card Day
16. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
17. Newtsmas
18. Deadbeat Father's Day
19. Bad Hair Day
20. Put Your Daughter To Work Day
21. Doris Day
22. St. Hooter's Day

And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday...

1. Hash Wednesday

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An air bag.

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.

- Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back.

- Well let me take a look.

When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face.

- This is amazing.

- What is it doctor?

- I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!