Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.
A good looking waitress comes up and asks:
- Can I take your order?
Clinton says:
- Yes, I like a quickie!
She turns a little red and say:
- Sir, in your present state of affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!
As she walks away Gore leans over and says:
- Bill, its pronounced quiche.
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
- Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.
- No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
- But, officer, I can explain - the man began.
- Just be quiet - snapped the officer.
- I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.
- But, officer, I just wanted to say...
- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:
- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.
- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.
- I'm the groom!
The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.
- Was it my friend Steve? - he yelled.
- No - she said.
- Was it my friend James? - he then asked.
- What? - she shouted.
- Don't you think I have any friends of my own?
Sign seen in a small restaurant:
Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.
- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?
- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.
A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:
- Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.
- Can I help you? - she says.
- I'm here about your ad in the paper.
- Which ad is that?
- The one looking for a husband.
She says:
- Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...
- Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.
- Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.
- And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.
- Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important...
- Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
→ You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
→ You know what...we DO taste like chicken!
There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.
He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.
Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying:
- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.
Then the little boy runs down stairs:
- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.
Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down:
- honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!
