Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
→ You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer twice.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
→ To practice.

A command was given to a dog:

- SPEAK!

The dog said in return:

- Not without my lawyer present!

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
→ Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
→ Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
→ The lawyer charges more.

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
→ Diarrhoea!

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?
→ He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work with UNIX.

• ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
• ADA: A Dumb Acronym
• ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
• BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
• BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
• BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
• C: Crud
• C: Confusing
• COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
• COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
• COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
• COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
• COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
• COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
• COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
• COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
• COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
• COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
• FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
• LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
• LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
• PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick.

The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.

The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says:

- See that girl over there? Bam. Got her.

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? - the priest inquired.

- They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?

- That's obscene! - the priest exclaimed.

- I can see why you are embarrassed.

He thought a minute and then said:

- You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time.

- Thank you - the woman responded.

- this may very well be the solution.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison:

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said:

- Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
→ They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!