Most viewed jokes

What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
→ Wire haired terriers!!

What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?
→ A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

- Where are you hurting? - asked the doctor.

- You have to help me, I hurt all over - said the woman.

- What do you mean, all over? - asked the doctor.

- be a little more specific.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe:

- Ow, even THAT hurts - she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis:

- You have a broken finger.

- Dentist: $100.00.

- Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

- Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

- Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

- Doctor: Sell!

- Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!

- Certainly, which way did you come in?

- Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?

- Of course, come back tomorrow!

- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.

- That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward:

- Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?

- Well, yes - acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff:

- but I couldn't help it.

- Couldn't help it? - asked the lawyer derisively:

- How's that?

- Mr. Evans deceived me.

- Exactly what do you mean?

- See, when we signed in - she explained:

- he told the motel clerk I was his wife.

What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's?
→ A blonde serves more people in a night.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa replied:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said:

- Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a cigar?

Once again, Grandpa asked:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said:

- Then your not man enough to have a cigar.

A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked:

- Can I have a cookie?

The boy asked:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

Grandpa replied:

- Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!

The boy replied:

- Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me.