Most viewed jokes

ATTENTION:
All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.
2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).
3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.
4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.
5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollar's worth at a time requires too many gas stops.
6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they don't feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.
7. Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we don't want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs... just making a hell of a mess.
8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't want to set him off.
9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, don't say "stump juice". Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).
10. And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick:

- It's time for change!

As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
→ An interpreter.

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man:

- I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says:

- I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says:

- I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?

It's a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.

First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

1. Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2. Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3. Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4. Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5. Improvise Italian operas.
6. Gossip about someone to their face.
7. Answer every question with a question.
8. Repeat yourself constantly.
9. Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10. Repeat yourself constantly.
11. Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12. Repeat yourself constantly.
13. Change what you repeat every now and then.
14. Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15. Change what you repeat every now and then.
16. Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17. Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18. Change what you repeat every now and then.
19. One word: Caffeine.
20. Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21. stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22. Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23. Change what you repeat again.
24. Speak in rapid Spanish.
25. Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26. When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27. Change what you repeat again.
28. You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29. Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30. Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31. Pretend to be drunk.
32. Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33. Change what you repeat again.
34. Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35. Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36. Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37. Change what you repeat again.
38. For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39. Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40. Pretend to be high.
41. Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42. Change what you repeat again.
43. You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44. Speak in Gaelic.
45. Blink rapidly and constantly.
46. Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47. Strut.
48. Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49. Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50. Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51. Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

- Why, my outfit was so well drilled - declared one - that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.

- Very good - conceded the other - but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.

- What was the jingle? - asked the first.

- Oh - replied the other offhand - just our medals.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alva!

- Alva who?

- Alva heart!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alvin!

- Alvin who!

- Alvin a great time, how about you?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Allan!

- Allan who!

- Allan-d of Manhattan!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Allegra!

- Allegra who?

- Allegra is broken!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alma!

- Alma who?

- Alma-ny Knock Knock

Which football team loves ice-cream?
→ Aston Vanilla!

"No, no, no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine," said the salesman, "I'm selling spectacles."

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer.

- Look at it this way sir. - he said finally.

- How would your wife carry on if you should die?

- Well... - drawled the weather-beaten man.

- I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive.