Most viewed jokes

A man frantically calls 911 and says:

- help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart.

- 911: Is this her first child?

- Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

- Mommy, what happened to him? - the little boy asked.

- He died and went to heaven - she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said:

- And God threw him back down?

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him:

- Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies:

- I'm turning over my mother in law.

Ten things a cat thinks about:

- I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

- Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

- Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

- I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

- Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

- This looks like a good spot for a nap.

- Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

- Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

- If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

- If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:

- For Women Only.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

- All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

- All the men here are tall and handsome.

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:

- There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said:

- I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates.

A few days later, Judy went to John and said:

- You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?

- I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure - replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:

Dear Mom,
While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love,
Your son.

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love,
Mom.

How does a vampire clean his house?
→ With a victim cleaner.

A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.

- Party Host: Hello?

- Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her?

- Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

Luke had it first, Paul had it lost; boys never had it; girls have it but once; Miss Polly had it twice in the same place, but when she married Peter Jones she never had it again. What is it?
→ The letter L.