Most viewed jokes

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

Why did Helen Keller go insane?
→ She tried to read a stucco wall.

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:

- What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said:

- A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said:

- Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said:

- Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel:

- Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter:

- Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

- Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

- I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

- You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.

- You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!

- Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

- Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

- Take a vacation go to Club Dead.

- Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

- You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

- You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

- You grow on people -- like a wart!

What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
→ A smooth operator!

What animals talk on the telephone the most?
→ The yakety-yaks!

What did the football say to the football player?
→ I get a kick out of you.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What's the best thing about deadly snakes?
→ They've got poisonality!

- Customer: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.

- Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.