A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands:
- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.
The marriage counselor told him:
- If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.
A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary:
- What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?
He replied:
- I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.
She asked:
- And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?
- I think I did a damn good job!
Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!
Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:
→ A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
Military training: During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
- You simpleton! - the officer barked.
- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?
- Yes sir - the soldier answered apologetically.
- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!
