Most viewed jokes

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said:

- I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said:

- Who are you??

Mrs. Riley replied:

- I am the devil!

With that, Riley shook her hand and said:

- Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?

You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice:

- Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

- I can't dear - she said.

- I have to sleep in Daddy's room.

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying:

- The big sissy.

How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves?
→ She fell out of the tree

- Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. - President Gerald Ford

- My fellow astronauts... - Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

- Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life. - Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

- China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. - Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

- I stand by all the misstatements. - Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

- Gerald Ford was a Communist - Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.

- Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

- We found the term 'killing' too broad. - State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

- This is a great day for France! - President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

- This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected. - California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

- It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host. - James Baker, televangelist.

- The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated. - Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

- The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police. - U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

- What he does on his own time is up to him. - Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

- Facts are stupid things. - Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs:

- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered:

- Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'

She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs:

- HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said:

- That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.

What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
→ They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisor's hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

- Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

- Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

- Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT:

- And what starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer said:

- In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said:

- Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said:

- Wow! Are you kidding?

And the interviewer replied:

- Yeah, but you started it.