For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
- Hooray! - shouted the guide.
- Here comes man's best friend!
- Yeah - said Mulvaney.
- An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!
What is the most religious insect?
→ A mosque-ito!
This joke sucks....
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
- I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
- Top of the mornin' to yer, sir - says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
- What are those? - asks the attendant.
- They're called tees - replies Tiger.
- Well, what on the god's earth are dey for? - inquires the Irishman.
- They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving - says Tiger.
- Fookin Jaysus - says the Irishman - BMW thinks of everything!
You are so stupid that you flunked special-ed
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
→ The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out
Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
- The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much. - said the nun.
- Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade. - said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed:
- I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel.
