Most viewed jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT:

- And what starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer said:

- In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said:

- Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said:

- Wow! Are you kidding?

And the interviewer replied:

- Yeah, but you started it.

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but I've only come up with one: Lying.

What do u have when their is a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
→ not enough cement

- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.

- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.

- Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again:

- Well, does the man beat you up?

- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.

- Oi'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:

- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.

- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.

- you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

- Ah, well now - said the lady.

- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

How can you tell if a blond has been sleepwalking?
→ When you look in the refridgorator and there's lipstick all over the pickles.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

- Excuse me, General - she asks quietly.

- but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides:

- I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

- Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

- Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

- Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A Chinese man is making love to his wife. He whispers in her ear:

- Baby, I wanna' 69!

She gives him a strange look and replies:

- You want Beef and Broccoli NOW?

One day in class the teacher has sex education.

On the black board she drawsa penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.

In the back ofthe room,Dirty Johnny stands and says:

- That's a penis,and my father has twoof them.

The teacher looks surprised and asks:

- What do you mean,two?

DirtyJohnny responds:

- A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sittersteeth.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
→ Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
→ Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
→ Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
→ A trombone will bend before it breaks.

There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
→ The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.