Most viewed jokes

Boss: (to employee) Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension inthis time of down-sizing. Knock, knock.

Employee: Who's there?

Boss: Not you anymore.

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed:

- Goony bird! The table!

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said:

- Goony bird! The shelf!

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

- Wow! - said the wife.

- If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will! So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.

- Honey! - she exclaimed.

- I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied:

- Goony Bird, my foot!

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away.

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island.

One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession:

- Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby. The Mother Superior says:

- That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies.

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.

Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by.

- Get me out of here - said the one in the grave.

- I'm cold.

The other one looked over the edge and said:

- No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you.

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said:

- Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00.

The patient could not help but ask:

- Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?

The doctor replied:

- The female brain is used.

There was a young girl called Anna,
Who was rather good with a spanner.
A boy gave her a knock,
So she grabbed his big cock,
And he now has a whole different manner!

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?
→ They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.