Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a whale and a dyke?
→ Oh, about ten pounds, and a plaid shirt.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says:

- We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks:

- Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The old man replies:

- No problem at all, Pastor.

- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks:

- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The man replied:

- The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks:

- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?

- Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks - the young man replied.

- What happened? - inquired the pastor.

- My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.

- You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church - stated the pastor.

- That's OK - said the young man.

- We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either.

Little Johnny A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says:

- That isn't a trick!!!

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies:

- I know, it's fucking magic.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?" Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday." Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?" Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.

Redmond, WA --Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

How do you get a man to do situps?
→ Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
→ Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.