Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" The second one says, "This one does!"
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC...:
- If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...:
- If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...:
- If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!
My Mother taught me ESP...:
- Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...:
- What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!
My Mother taught me HUMOR...:
- When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...:
- If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS...:
- You are just like your father!
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...:
- Do you think you were born in a barn?
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...:
- When you get to be my age, you will understand.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...:
- Just wait until your father gets home.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...:
- You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE...:
- One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.
What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad?
→ It became a daddy short legs!
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said:
- Let's get off the corner people.
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again:
- Let's get off that corner... NOW!
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:
- Well, how did I do?
- Pretty good - chuckled the vet.
- especially since this is a bus stop.
HIS:
HER:
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain:
- You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that instructions on reverse state:
- Push up bottom to use.
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her:
- There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed, and I don't want you to look in it until I die.
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied:
- Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.
Hillary said:
- Well, that's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all.
She was about to leave, but then she said:
- Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?
Bill replied:
- That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said:
- Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
- Yes, I know - said the lady.
- I need both hands to hold onto this hat.
- But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! - said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:
- Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
- You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!
