Most viewed jokes

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

What does a nun wear on a date?
→ A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

Yo momma so damn heavy that when she stands on the scales to get weighed it says "TO BE CONTINUED!"

If you've got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?
→ Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

The Top Old Fart Games:

10. Musical Recliners
11. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
12. Hide and Go Pee
13. Simon Says something Incoherent
14. Doc, Doc Goose
15. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
16. Kick the Bucket
17. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
18. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
19. Sag, You're It

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

- I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive - says the beaming boy to the his dad.

- Nope - comes dad's reply - I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.

Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.

The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.

At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...

Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.

A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.

- How many poles did your group set? - He asked.

- Two. - Replied the Blonde forewoman.

- What! Just, two! - exclaimed the Supervisor.

- The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?

- It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us - replied the Blonde.

- But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!

Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him.

Some people claim they were shouting:

- Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

Others claim it was:

- Score! Score! Score!

But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted:

- Drop the chalupa!

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.

- What's that - says the Texan.

- Oh! That's Queens Park - says the Cabby.

- Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

- Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large - says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

- Holy cow - says the Texan.

- What's that?

- Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country - says the Cabby.

- it took almost 4 years to build.

- Really - says the Texan.

- Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300'.

- Holy Crap! - says the Texan.

- What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says:

- Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

- "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."

- "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."

- "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."

- "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."

- There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

- "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"

- "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."

- "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

- "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."

- "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."