Most viewed jokes

Who can beat any burger at golf?
→ Any LINKS sausage!

What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning?
→ Well, it's back to the old grind!

When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

Why did the chicken say:

- Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?

→ He was studying foreign languages.

- Mum, does God use the bathroom?

- No, what a funny question!

- Then why did Dad say this morning:

- Oh, God, are you still in there?

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.

- What's that for? - he asked.

- Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord - said the Pope.

The visitor said:

- Wow, how much is a call?

The Pope answered:

- $2,000 per minute.

A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.

- What's that for? - he asked.

- Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord - said the Prime Minister.

The visitor asked:

- How much is a call?

The Prime Minister said:

- 20 cents per minute.

The astonsished visitor said:

- It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute.

The Prime Minister answered:

- That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call.

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla:

- How do you spell 'dumb'?

Darla says:

- d-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says:

- Very good. Now use it in a sentence.

She responds:

- Buckwheat is dumb.

- Now spell 'stupid'.

Darla says:

- s-t-u-p-i-d.

The teacher says:

- Very good. Now use it in a sentence.

Darla says:

- Buckwheat is stupid.

Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks:

- Buckwheat, spell dictate.

Buckwheat stands up and says:

- d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.

The teacher says:

- Very good. Now use it in the a sentence.

- I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
→ Call her/him on the telephone!

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

- You're the first man I've seen after months at sea - she coos.

- I'll do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

- Great - he says.

- Will you walk my dog for me?

Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.

Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?

Alack!

Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.

Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.

Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.

This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.

Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."

Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.

Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!

Hereafter reboot.