Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant:
- What was the problem?
- The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine - explained the flight attendant - and it took us a while to find a new pilot.
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
- I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
- When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."
- Kiss me doctor!
- I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
→ It's all in the grip.
What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
→ You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
→ Vibrato.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
→ Add vibrato.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But: Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
- Sir - the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
- Did you see this terrible accident happen?
- Yep. Sure did. - The man muttered unconcernedly.
- Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?
- Yep.
- Were there any survivors? - the agent gasped.
- Nope. They's all kilt straight out. - The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor.
- I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.
- The President of the United States is dead? - The agent gulped in disbelief.
- Well - the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
- He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.
I am a senior citizen...
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
Why did the women cross the road?
→ Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!
A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.
The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.
The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.
The man said:
- Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard.
