Most viewed jokes

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:

- Person 1: Gee, I don't get it..

- Person 2: What's wrong?

- Person 1: My card wont work.

- Person 2: Did anything happen to it?

- Person 1: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says:

- I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second can't stand to be bested:

- Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today.

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant:

- Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

- Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

- Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.

- That's not why it's there.

- Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

- It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said:

- Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

- Patrick Henry, 1775.

- Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?

Again, no response except from Martinez:

- Abraham Lincoln, 1863. - said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class:

- Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.

She heard a loud whisper:

- Screw the Mexicans.

- Who said that? - she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up:

- Jim Bowie, 1836.

At that point, a student in the back said:

- I'm gonna puke.

The teacher glares and asks:

- All right! Now, who said that?

Again, Martinez says:

- George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Now furious, another student yells:

- Oh yeah? Suck this!

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher:

- Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said:

- You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice:

- Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said:

- Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!

Martinez said:

- Saddam Hussein 2003.

Your dad's like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks:

- How do these represent Christmas?

- They're Carol's.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

- What does it look like? - she finally asked.

The policewoman replied:

- It's square and it has your picture on it.

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

- Here it is - she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying:

- Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn't know what to do, so he called 911. When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead and all of a sudden the person heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said ok he's dead for sure.

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, "Hey, who turned off the heater!"