Most viewed jokes

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says:

- It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says:

- My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says:

- Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing.

The little girl says:

- Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats.

Bill declines and jogs onward.

The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again:

- You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats.

The girl says:

- I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now.

Bill says:

- They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?

She says:

- Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open.

I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."

Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband:

- How did Greg do on his history exam?

- Oh, not so good, - he replied.

- But it wasn't his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!

Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies:

- My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln.

- Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!

- Little monster: Mom I've finished. Can I leave the table?

- Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.

Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

The theatrical manager exclaimed:

- Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real.

- It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe.

- Well - said the manager - for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play.

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
→ He charges you double.

- Well, what's your problem?

- I prefer brown shoes to black shoes.

- There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself.

- Really? How do your like yours - fried or boiled?