Most viewed jokes

When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

Why did the chicken say:

- Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?

→ He was studying foreign languages.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tree Hugger Barbie ...pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...:

- SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!

WHY PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

- One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.

- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.

- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

- Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

- Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much.

- When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour.

- All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.

- They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.

- Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime.

- Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree.

- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.

- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER

- Sensitivity don't hurt.

- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

- Shake your hips and hope for the best.

- Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there.

- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.

- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.

- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food.

- Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.

- See if the man has lipstick on his face.

- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire.

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.

- Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

- I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

- You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.

- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.

- It might help to watch soap operas all day.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- When they're rich.

- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.

- If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission.

- I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

- Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love.

- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.

- Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch.

- I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job - George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

- This is a great day for France! - Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

- Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.' - George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

- For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks. - George Bush

- I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change. - Dan Quayle

- Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. - Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is. - Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

- I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland. - William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

- The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at. - George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

- I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me. - George Bush

- If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed. - Ronald Reagan

- My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. - Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

- Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. - Dan Quayle

- Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed. - Ronald Reagan

Great Moments In Political Debates

- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.

- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Foreign Goofs

- Bite the wax tadpole. - Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

- Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave. - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

- I am a jelly doughnut - English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

- We pray for MacArthur's erection. - sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. - from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

- It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant. - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

Miscellaneous

- I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that. - Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

- Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States. - Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

- Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused. - correction printed in The Daily Californian

- Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres! - Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

- I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands? - announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
→ The rest are hunt'n peckers.

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts.

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.