Most viewed jokes

Dating Dictionary

  • LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
  • DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
  • BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
  • EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
  • EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
  • FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
  • INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
  • INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
  • IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
  • LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
  • NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
  • FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
  • SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
  • NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Teacher and the Stag

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said:

- Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

- Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

- It's a cow, teacher.

- Very good, Janie - said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

- ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!

Blonde In The Library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian:

- This is the WORST book I've ever read!

- It has NO plot and far too many characters!

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks:

- So, you're the one who took our phone book...

Two Deer Hunters

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says:

- Did you see that?... pointing to the sky.

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

- Yah, Ok - says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says:

- Yah, I SAW IT!

And the first guy says:

- Then why did you step in it?

Bookworm

- For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while? - Julie whined.

- What? - Chris replied.

- Look around! - Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room.

- Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!

- I'm sorry, honey - Chris said.

- Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me! - Julie exclaimed.

- Hmmmm - Chris mumbled:

- that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.

A Dinner Invitation

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked:

- If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?

- No, I stopped drinking years ago - the bum said.

- Will you use it to gamble?

- I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.

- Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?

- Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!

The man said:

- Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.

The bum was astounded.

- Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.

The man replied:

- That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf.

Taking It Along

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them:

- I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said:

- I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.

The physician then said:

- Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.

The lawyer then said:

- I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.