A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet
What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
→ "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."
How do you know if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said:
- Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary.
Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned:
- OH ? Really ? Were you ???
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
- Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said:
- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.
Indignantly, the man said:
- Why? Don't ye believe me?!
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
- MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
- MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
- MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
- MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
Winter Schedule
- MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
- MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
- MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
- EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
- ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers
Spring Schedule
- MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
- MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
- MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
- MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
- ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)
SECOND YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
- SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
- SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
- MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
- MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
- ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule
- MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
- MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
- MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
- MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
- MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
Spring Schedule
- MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
- MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
- MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
- MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
- MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives
- EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
- EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
- EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
- MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
- MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
- MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
- ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)
Sorry Texans....
A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap.
- How do you know it's one of our coyotes? - asked the Oklahoma game warden.
- Well - replied the Texas game warden - He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!
