A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ...
- Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call 'Teds, or Hales!'
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
- Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?
- It's OK - he answers.
- I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.
- Well, then - she replies.
- I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?
- So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain:
- And how's your sex life....
- Infrequently - he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking:
- And is that one word or two?
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...:
- Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
- She refuses to let you milk her, saying:
- Not on the first date.
- Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
- Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
- Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
- Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
- Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
- Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
- Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
- She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
- Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
- Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
- Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
- Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
- Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
- Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells:
- Bullseye!
- Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
- Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
- Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
- You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
- Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
- Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
Iraqi Air Force motto: I came I saw Iran
- Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.
- Of course. What's your phone number?
What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau?
→ A wedding ring!
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!
Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked.
- What's the matter? - asked his friend.
- It's a very popular place - replied the first alien.
- It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs.
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
- I'll tell you why - shouted Deacon Brown.
- Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.
- Well - interrupted the dealer.
- didn't you receive them yet?
- Oh, we received them all right - replied Deacon Brown.
- However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
→ David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
