Most viewed jokes

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
→ Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
→ Marriage.

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend:

- They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch.

- What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself - her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

- Superb! I can't believe it - Mary said.

- I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!

By the way - Mary is blonde.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, "Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish", and in amazement I said - "No CRAP!"

Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:

1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3. "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4. "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7. (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8. "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10. "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11. "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12. "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13. "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14. "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15. "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16. "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17. "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18. "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

- Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired:

- Aren't you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again:

- Aren't you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again:

- Aren't you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice:

- YES, I AM!

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied:

- The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

- Atheism - A non-prophet organization.

- Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

- Clones are people two.

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- Entropy isn't what it used to be.

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

- Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

- Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs

- Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.

- I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

- Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.

- My reality check just bounced.

- No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

- So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...