Most viewed jokes

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked:

- Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?

Aghast, the man said:

- are you NUTS?, that's robbery!

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

- Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly:

- you must be crazy pal, now go away!

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy:

- Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

- HEY - he snarled - this brownie tastes like crap!!!

- It is - replied the salesman.

- Wanna buy some mouthwash?

- We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!

- When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.

- Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.

- Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

- Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

- I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

- You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.

- If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

- I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

- Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.

- I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.

How does a football player make phone calls?
→ On a touch-down phone.

If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get?
→ Snappy talk.

- Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?

- Player: I finished it in three days!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
→ They prefer cricket matches!

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.

- What's going on here, anyway? - he asked.

- This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her! - one of the crowd responded.

- Wait - yelled Jesus.

- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

- Aw, c'mon, Dad... - Jesus cried - I'm trying to make a point here!

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher:

- Who are all those men in the pictures?

The usher replied:

- Why, those are our boys who died in the service.

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked:

- Was that the morning service or the evening service?

How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
→ There is writing on the White-out.

Why are there so many piggy banks?
→ Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.