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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

- Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.' - she said.

One of the women spoke up immediately:

- Does she cook???

- Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career?

- No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.

- FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night.

- BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.

What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass?
→ A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen?
→ The Ink-credible Hulk.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.

- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.

- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.

- Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again:

- Well, does the man beat you up?

- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.

- Oi'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.

- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.

- you need a reason that the court can consider.

- What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

- Ah, well now - said the lady.

- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
→ You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Chicken

- Chicken who?

- Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Apple

- Apple who?

- Apple the door myself!