During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
- Your jeep stuck, sir? - asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
- Nope - replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.
- Yours is.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
→ A widower.
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
- Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.
- Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?
- Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.
- Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
- Joe: Really?
- Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said:
- Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself.
- Don't be stupid, Joe - said the psychiatrist - My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy.
- How? - asked Joe.
- Easy - replied the quack - I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?
- I clean out septic tanks. - Joe replied.
One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked:
- If I died, would you remarry?
Peter thought for a second then said:
- Yeah I guess I would.
Then his the wife asked:
- well would you have her as your golfing partner?
Peter replied:
- yep I probably would do that too.
- But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?! - she cried.
Peter looked at her and said:
- Nah, shes left handed.
Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?
A guy walks in to the Barbershop.
Barber says:
- What will it be today?
Guy says:
- well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up.
Barber says:
- Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that.
Guy says:
- That's how you cut it last time
Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
→ Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
Why did the Gorilla fail English?
→ He had little Ape-titude!
