Most viewed jokes

Insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

How do Religious Education teachers mark exams?
→ With spirit levels.

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School:

- Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

- When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.

- Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you? - his mother asked.

- Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it.

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said:

- Why, God, why now?

After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?

From up above, there came a voice:

- Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you.

When do rabbits have buck teeth?
→ When their parents won't get them braces.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court. - said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no no! - said the man.

- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

- Girl: Mom, mom a monster's just bitten my foot off.

- Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the floor.

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement:

- It makes you feel young again.

John looks at Sylvester and says:

- We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks:

- Well John, do you feel young yet?

- No - replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks:

- John, do you feel younger?

- No - replies John:

- but I sure did a childish thing!

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified, she let out a shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.

- Don't let it bother you, miss - he moaned - I'll never live to tell anyone.

How is a heart like a musician?
→ They both have a beat :)