After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!
VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!)
- 3% Vitamin E
- 2% aspirin
- 2% ibuprofen
- 1% Vitamin C
...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!
The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
()Billy-Bob ()Billy-Joe ()Billy-Ray ()Billy-Sue ()Billy-Mae ()Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
()Booger ()Bubba ()Junior ()Sissy (_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____ Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
()Farmer ()Mechanic ()Hair Dresser ()Unemployed ()Dirty Politician ()Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
()Sister ()Brother ()Aunt ()Uncle ()Cousin ()Mother ()Father ()Son ()Daughter ()Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom ____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
()Yes ()No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
()The National Enquirer ()The Globe ()TV Guide ()Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
()Weekly ()Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
()Blond ()Black ()Red ()Brown ()White ()Clairol
Color of teeth:
()White ()Yellow ()Brownish-Yellow ()Brown ()Black ()N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
()1 mile ()2 miles ()just a whoop-and-a-holler ()road?
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
- After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Finally...
Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
- Girl: Why not ??
- Boy: I'm broke.
- Boy: May I hold your hand??
- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
- Boy: What time was it??
- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!
- Boy: You love me...
- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
- Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??
- Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
- Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??
- Boy: I love you and I could die for you!
- Girl: How soon??
- Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
- Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
- Man: You remind me of the sea.
- Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
- Man: NO, because you make me sick.
- Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
- Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
- Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
- Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
- Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
- Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
- Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
- Lily: So what do you do?
- Sam: I close my eyes.
- Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
- Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
- Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
- Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.
- What are you charged with? - he asked.
- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.
- That's no offense - replied the judge.
- How early were you doing this shopping?
- Before the store opened - countered the prisoner.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?
→ Five after one.
How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone?
→ You get a tizzy signal!
What did the man say when he got a big phone bill?
→ "Who said talk is cheap?"
- Willie: I have an awful toothache.
- Tommie: I'd have it taken out if it was mine.
- Willie: Yes, if it was yours, I would, too.
