Rules To Live By...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
- Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
- Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.
- Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.
- I won't come in your mouth, I promise.
- I'm not really married.
- It's only a cold sore.
- Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality.
- Size isn't important.
- This won't hurt, I promise.
- We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other.
- We'll always be together.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- All the good ones are taken.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
- Do it only with the best.
- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
- Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
- If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
- It is always the wrong time of month.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Love comes in spurts.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- Never say no.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- Nice guys finish last.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- No sex with anyone in the same office.
- Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
- Nothing improves with age.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
- Sex has no calories.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
- The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
- The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- The younger the better.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
- Virginity can be cured.
- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
- EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
- EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
- EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
- EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
- EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
- EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
- EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
- GE101: You, The Whining Sex
- GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
- GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
- GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
- GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
- HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
- HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
- HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
- HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
- HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
- HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
- HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
- HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
- HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
- HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
- IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
- IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
- IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
- IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
- IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
- LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
- LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
- LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
- LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
- LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
- LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
- LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
- LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
- LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
- LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
- LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
- LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
- LS113: How To Parallel Park
- SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
- SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
- SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
- SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
- SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
- SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
- SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
- SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
- Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.
- Don't cry, little one. - replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.
So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.
The witch asked him why he was crying.
- Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and POOF, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing.
- I don't know where the wizard is - he sobbed.
- Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad - said the good witch.
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- Stan.
- Stan who?
- Stan back or I'll be sick on your shoe!!!!
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.
- Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? - God queried.
- Hell yes, I remember! - Said the devil.
- Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. - God exclaimed!
- I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! - said the devil.
- Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!! - shouted God!!
- And just where do you think you'll get an attorney? - replied the devil!!!!!
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux:
- Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?
Mrs. Boudreaux said:
- Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
- I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
- I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.
