Most viewed jokes

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:

- What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?

Tom says:

- I would switch one train to another track.

- What if the lever broke? - asks the inspector.

- I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever - answers Tom.

- What if that had been struck by lightning? - challenges the inspector.

- Then - Tom continues - I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

- What if the phone was busy?

- In that case - Tom argues - I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

- What if that had been vandalized?

- Oh, well - says Tom - in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks:

- Why would you do that?

- Because he's never seen a train crash!

Heart Attacks...
God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...
Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...
I married their king.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs

Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill it

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....
Then things get worse.

A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who landed in the water first?
→ The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
()Billy-Bob ()Billy-Joe ()Billy-Ray ()Billy-Sue ()Billy-Mae ()Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
()Booger ()Bubba ()Junior ()Sissy (_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____ Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
()Farmer ()Mechanic ()Hair Dresser ()Unemployed ()Dirty Politician ()Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
()Sister ()Brother ()Aunt ()Uncle ()Cousin ()Mother ()Father ()Son ()Daughter ()Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom ____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
()Yes ()No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
()The National Enquirer ()The Globe ()TV Guide ()Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
()Weekly ()Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
()Blond ()Black ()Red ()Brown ()White ()Clairol
Color of teeth:
()White ()Yellow ()Brownish-Yellow ()Brown ()Black ()N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
()1 mile ()2 miles ()just a whoop-and-a-holler ()road?

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini:

- I want to feel your breasts - he exclaimed.

- Get away from me, you crazy old man - she replied.

- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars - he says.

- Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS - he stated.

- NO! Get away from me!

- TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS - he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said:

- I said NO!

- FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts - he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

- Well, OK...but only for a minute.

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying:

- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... - while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him:

- Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered:

- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:

- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly:

- Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.

What helps keep your teeth together?
→ Toothpaste.

May I buy half a rabbit?
→ No, we don't split hares!

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

Why didn't the Bionic Pig get a TV series of his own?
→ He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic Man and the Bionic Woman.