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This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

- Brian: Yeah, alright.

- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

- Sharelle: Hi Brian.

- Brian: Hi Sharelle.

- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

- Sharelle: O.K.

- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik:

- So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the "runs" over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh. My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,...

NOT! Santa

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:

- Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

- Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow stepped on her.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
→ Frosted Flakes!

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "I wonder if it's mine?"

How do you confuse a blonde?
→ Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
→ She couldn't learn the route.

Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
→ Her turn signal was stuck.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
→ She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Why are the Japanese so smart?
→ No blondes.

How To Impress a Woman:

- Compliment her

- Cuddle her

- Kiss her

- Tease her

- Comfort her

- Hug her

- Send her flowers

- Wine and dine her

- Listen to her

- Care for her

- Hold her

- Support her

How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked..... with beer.

Things that make me cringe!

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and "It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fuckin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?
8. BIG hair
9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?
10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says:

- not yet.

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says:

- not yet.

Finally they say:

- When can we see the baby!?

And the mother says:

- You'll have to wait until the baby cries.

And they ask:

- Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says:

- because I forgot where I put it!

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

A little girl asks her Mom:

- May I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom says:

- No honey, the dog is in heat.

- What's that mean? - asked the child.

- Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage.

The little girl goes to the garage and says:

- Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you

Her Dad said:

- Bring Susie over here

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said:

- Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks:

- Where's Susie?

The girl replies:

- Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!