Most viewed jokes

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.

- That's it! - she shouted:

- I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!

- Wait honey - Glen pleaded:

- Can't you at least let me explain?

- Fine, let's hear your story - Donna replied.

- Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing - explained Glen.

I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me.

- Then - Glen continued:

- I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'

- The car won't start - said a wife to her husband.

- I think there's water in the carburettor.

- How do you know? - said the husband scornfully.

- You don't even know what the carburettor is.

- I'm telling you - repeated the wife.

- I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.

- We'll see - mocked the husband.

- Let me check it out. Where's the car?

- In the swimming pool.

Why do vampires hate arguments?
→ Because they make themselves cross.

Why did the vampire take up acting?
→ It was in his blood.

How did the telephones get married?
→ In a double ring ceremony!

The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered, the operator said:

- This is long distance from Chicago.

- I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago! - answered the farmer.

- How come you called to tell me that?

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggies started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 'Through the desert all night we ride on camels walking two by two, Destination Timbuktu.' Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldnt beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said, 'Tim and I, a hunting went, we came upon three women in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I buk one and Timbuktu!'

And Jesus said unto his disciples:

- Whom do men say that I am?

And His disciples answered unto Him:

- Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.

And Jesus said:

- What?

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
→ Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

- I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? - Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

- Yes, that's right - replied the farmer, nodding his head.

- You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?

- Yeah, but - stammered the farmer.

- A simple yes or not will suffice - counsel interrupted quickly.

- Yes - Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. His lawyer said:

- Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health.

- Certainly - replied the farmer.

- After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead.

- Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling.

- Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?