Most viewed jokes

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
→ A visitor.

Three old ladies went for a walk in the park, they were suddenly approached by a man who flashed at them, two of them had a stroke - the third wasn't quick enough..

Did you hear there is a new movie out about the Kennedys?

It's called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says:

- Hey bartender give me a beer.

The bartender says:

- I'm sorry we don't serve food here.

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked:

- What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?

The Indian answered:

- Eggs.

The man scoffed:

- Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony.

Thirteen years later the traveler's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform.

The tourist went up and said jovially:

- How!

The Indian answered:

- Scrambled.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - grouses the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

- I must say - says the executive - your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.

- Yes - says the lady.

- Well - continues the executive - there's not much positive in that.

- Well - says the woman as she pokes the application.

- At least I'm not a quitter!

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:

Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
→ No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Officer, who provided this description?
→ The officer who responded to the scene.

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
→ Yes sir, with my life.

WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
→ Yes sir, we do.

And do you have a locker in that room?
→ Yes sir, I do.

And do you have a lock on your locker?
→ Yes sir.

Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
→ You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

- How did this happen?

- Well I was trying to commit suicide.

- Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

- No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."

- So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says:

- And you are no good in bed either - and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says:

- What took you so long to answer the phone?

She says:

- I was in bed.

- In bed this early, doing what? - Shouts the doctor.

- Getting a second opinion!