Most viewed jokes

Why are false teeth like stars?
→ Because they come out at night.

- I gotta 'A' in spelling - Tony told his father.

- You dope! - he replied.

- There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.

- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.

- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.

- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.

- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.

- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.

- But she's a humble spinster nun.

- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God.

- Wonderful - said Mr. Smith.

- In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said:

- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said:

- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

- I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married - said one clergyman self-righteously.

- Did you?

- I don't know - said the other.

- What was her maiden name?

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
→ When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired:

- Is your husband there?

- Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet? - the wife asked.

- Both! - was the reply.

- We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it.

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

- I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? - Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

- Yes, that's right - replied the farmer, nodding his head.

- You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?

- Yeah, but - stammered the farmer.

- A simple yes or not will suffice - counsel interrupted quickly.

- Yes - Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. His lawyer said:

- Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health.

- Certainly - replied the farmer.

- After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead.

- Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling.

- Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly:

- I'm looking for LOVE.

The policeman arrested her on the spot.

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
→ A puppy stops whining after it grows up.