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The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

- Susie, dear - she said.

- You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place.

- But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them - explained Susie.

- Daddy says he always eats like a horse!

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying:

- That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

- How did this happen?

- Well I was trying to commit suicide.

- Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

- No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."

- So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:

- There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

- How did you know that? - his mother asked.

- Daddy picked them up and looked underneath - he replied.

- I think it's printed on the bottom!

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

- Sit, Fluffy! - she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

- I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy - says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts:

- Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

- Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.

- So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying:

- Ehhhh... 22!

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

- And can you tell us your height, please?

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces:

- Five foot two!

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.

- Just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying:

- MANDY!

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks:

- What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?

- Ohhhh, that! - replies the airhead... I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aardvark!

- Aardvark who?

- Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aaron!

- Aaron who!

- Aaron on the side of caution!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Acid!

- Acid who?

- Acid down and be quiet!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ada!

- Ada who?

- Ada burger for lunch!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Adam!

- Adam who?

- Adam if I do and adam if I don't!

When do clocks die?
→ When their time is up.