Most viewed jokes

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises:

- Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo...

- What are you doing? - enquires the doctor.

- I'm taking a train down to Barcelona - replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

- And what are you doing? - asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

- Well - pants the man - While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,
a great lover himself he was not.
They would say, "Sorry, sport,
but your arrow's too short--
What we want is what Hercules' got."

Euphemism is all very well,
but if I really am going to hell,
I'd rather it be for lechery,
not for "loving the ladies too well."

Juno's measure of fury was full,
but Zeus had a trick he could pull.
He said, "Surely, my dear,
whatever you hear
from Europa is all cock and bull."

Oh a pussy's a timorous beast,
needing petting and patience at least,
but she'll alter completely,
if handled quite sweetly,
and sit up and roar when she's greased.

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.

She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"

Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.

Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates."

"Why not?"

"They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex! Nothing but a pain in the ass!"

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
→ She has a checkbook.

Three old ladies went for a walk in the park, they were suddenly approached by a man who flashed at them, two of them had a stroke - the third wasn't quick enough..

Did you hear there is a new movie out about the Kennedys?

It's called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

What is the newest game at the white house?
→ Swallowing the leader!

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

- Where do you live? - asked the operator. Bubba replied:

- At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

The operator asked:

- Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said:

- How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

What do Chinese people name their retarded children?
→ Som Ting Wong