After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up with you." "Why??" he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile". He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old."
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
How do you catch an elephant?
→ First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked:
- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.
- It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.
- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.
- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.
- NO!!! - exclaimed the nurse.
- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!
Little Johnny was in class again.
Teacher asked everyone:
- Can anyone tell me a sentence with the word definitely in it?
Meg puts up her hand.
- The sky is definitely blue.
- Thats not bad,Meg - says the teacher.
- but the sky can be grey or red. Young Sally tried:
- The grass is definitely green.
- Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or brown too!
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up.
- Miss Brown does a fart have lumps?
The teacher was horrified.
- No of course not Johnny! What are you talking about?
So Johnny says:
- Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!
Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
→ When the big hand is on the little hand.
What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?
→ Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
- How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? - asks an accountant.
- Watch and you'll see - answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says:
- ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
- How are you going to travel without a ticket? - says one perplexed accountant.
- Watch and you'll see - answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says:
- ticket, please.
