Most viewed jokes

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.

He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says:

- I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies:

- OK why don't you go behind these bushes

She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror:

- My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!

- No - she replies.

- I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin
11. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker
12. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"
13. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles
14. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
15. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan
16. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings
17. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty
18. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!
19. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

- Please let me in - says the man desperately.

- I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.

- Okay - says the butcher.

- Let me see what I have left.

He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

- That's one is too skinny. What else you got? - says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

- Oh, no - says the man.

- That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System:

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

- I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total - says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says:

- I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said:

- I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks:

- I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains:

- well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.

The Irishman says:

- Fill it up with water.

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

10. Read less.
11. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
12. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
13. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
14. Procrastinate more.
15. Drink. Drink some more.
16. Start being superstitious.
17. Spend more time at work.
18. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif.

He says to the first guy:

- As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru.

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.

He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd guy when asked says:

- I'd rather die than suffer that.

The chief says:

- Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru!!!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

- Excuse me - he said, have you lost something?

- No - replied one of the doctors.

- We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.