Most viewed jokes

Oh my God!!! What's that big ugly thing on your neck?! Oh, it's just your head.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
→ Never mind it's pointless.

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

- Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

- Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

- Man: And the bad news?

- Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

- Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters:

- I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?

The parrot says:

- With my prick, you dummy.

The guy is startled and says:

- You certainly talk well for a parrot.

The parrot says:

- Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.

The guy says:

- Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.

The parrot says:

- There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me.

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says:

- Come in and shut the door.

The guy says:

- What's up?

The parrot says:

- I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.

The guy says:

- Oh, A momentary flight of passion.

The parrot says:

- Then he fondled her breasts.

The guy says:

- He did??!

The parrot says:

- Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.

The guy says:

- My God, what happened next???!!!

The parrot says:

- I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

- Mom, I'm pregnant.

- How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?

- That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.

Your breath is so bad that when you talk your teeth duck.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts: (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts: ( + )( + )
Perky breasts: (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts: (@)(@)
A cups: o o
D cups: { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts: (oYo)
Cold breasts: ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts: (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts: (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts: (p)(p)
Against The Shower Door Breasts: ( )( )
Android Breasts: | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts: ($)($)

OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy...