Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ Her blinker was on.

What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
→ The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
→ She fell out of the tree

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

A young boy asked his father:

- Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?

The father thought for a moment:

- Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!

- Gets his orders from another planet.

- Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.

- Gets parity errors under load.

- Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

- Goalie for the dart team.

- God might still use him for miracle practice.

- God's favorite target for lightning strikes.

- Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.

- Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.

- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

- Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.

- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

- Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

- Gyros are loose.

- Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.

- Had a head crash.

- Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain

- Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.

- Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.

- Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.

- Has a bus fault problem.

- Has a few wait states.

- Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.

- Has a leak in his ceiling.

- Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

- Has a pulse, but that's about all.

- Has a random memory fault.

- Has a slow clock.

- Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)

- Has a two-bit operating system.

Where did vampires go to first in America?
→ New-fang-land.

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks her what she wants.

- I can't find any green golf balls - the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her:

- Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?

- Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!

- Isn't the principal a dummy! - said a boy to a girl.

- Say, do you know who I am? - asked the girl.

- No.

- I'm the principal's daughter.

- And do you know who I am? - asked the boy.

- No - she replied.

- Thank goodness!

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him.

- Oh Lord - prayed the missionary.

- Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too:

- Oh Lord - he prayed.

- I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive.

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
→ Unique up on him

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
→ Join the Hare Force.

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

- Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

- Pres: You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!