An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said:
- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.
His buddy said:
- I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled.
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar, his buddy said:
- Well, did you take my suggestion?
- Yes, I did - said Joe.
- Did she like it? - his buddy asked.
- Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!!'
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says:
- We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.
Jon says:
- Why not Thursday?
The boss says:
- Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel.
What do you get if cross a mouse with a packet of washing up powder?
→ Bubble and squeak!
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.
- What's this, - she asked.
- Taste it, - he replied.
- If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!
TOP 10 McGreevey jokes....
What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.
