Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
Why are women such bad drivers?
→ Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
- How much does it cost for engineer brain?
- Three dollars an ounce.
- How much does it cost for programmer brain?
- Four dollars an ounce.
- How much for lawyer brain?
- $1,000 an ounce.
- Why is lawyer brain so much more?
- Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
- Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home.
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door:
- Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?
What is white and streaks across the sky?
→ The coming of the Lord.
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him:
- You need to join the Army of the Lord!
- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor - Jack replied.
- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? - Pastor questioned.
- I'm in the secret service. - He whispered back.
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream:
- YO! Keep it down!
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name:
- Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect:
- Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
- I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
- Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
- You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.
The prisoner wrote another letter:
- Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!
Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling up? Well here's a suggestion:
[Date Today]
Dear Mr. Kennelly:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
You're so stupid that when police tell you that you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.
